REVISED LAWS FOR SPOONERS

The self-appointed censors of the public’s morals are at their annual job again of regulating spooning.  Unfortunately they are handicapped in view of the fact that their rules lack uniformity.  In the interest of public morals, decency, purity, chastity, virtue, honor, divinity, and godliness, THE FLAPPER magazine has decided to relieve the above-mentioned censors of their duties—in other words, to take all responsibility off their hands.

We hereby issue our only authentic and authoritative Revised Laws for Spooners.  These laws supersede all other laws, rules, codes, regulations, orders, decrees, dictums, and fiats (whatever that means).  All flappers who spoon are commanded to obey these Revised Laws under penalty of being ducked in the tub, river, lake, sea or ocean, and losing their flaps.  HEED YE:

Never go out with a strange fellow if he looks too strange.

Never walk on the outside of a fellow unless that’s the side where he keeps his change.

Do not sit with your fellow on a park bench unless you are sure that the cops will stand behind you.

Do not sit on the grass with your fellow unless it’s dry.  You might catch cold.

Don’t go swimming in a one-piece suit.  Still, you’ve got to wear something.

Don’t let any man put his arms around you.  One arm is enough.

Do not kiss on the public square.  The mouth is much to be preferred.

Don’t make love.  It will come in time.

Never hold a man’s hand, unless the other card players are agreeable.

Never sit in the parlor with the light turned on—it might attract mosquitoes.

Whenever you go out with a chaperon be sure to provide her with an escort so she won’t get into mischief.

Be considerate enough not to let anyone hug you without being sure all your pins are in place.

Do not ride in an automobile with a stranger if an airship is at hand.

Originally published in Flapper, July 1922